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"i have enough crap in my house." the mark twain prize, of course, honors those who have spent one or less seasons as a judge on american idol. [audience applause]. it's kind of a thank you for your efforts in helping to make lee dewyze a champion. we've forgotten him already? i think ellen is the first former reality show judge to win this thing which means there's still hope for demi lovato and carrie ann inaba. ellen has accomplished so much; she's hosted the oscars, the emmys. we love her movies, comedy albums, standup comedy and of course, her dancing. somehow against all odds, ellen has managed to parlay her restless leg syndrome into a beloved daytime talk show institution. and, thanks to ellen, vests aren't just for magicians anymore.
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ellen degeneres is kind and honest and ethical which is why we brought her to washington, dc to show you what that stuff looks like. i personally became a fan of ellen's when i was a teenager and she was a young comedian with a mullet and a dream. i saw her do standup on all the late night talk shows, but most notably, "the tonight show with johnny carson" where she was the first woman to be invited to sit on johnny's couch on her first appearance on his show. the year was 1986 and in case you didn't have tivo back then, here it is. ellen degeneres: i used to wonder around the woods when i was a kid because my parents would put me there and um, i'd find petrified wood and i think to myself, "what could have scared these trees so badly? maybe a dinosaur lifting his leg, i guess that was scary." for a tree. i'm always thinking about these things because to me
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life is very precious, it's very special, we're here for such a short time that everything on this earth should have a reason, should have a beneficial purpose. and i feel like everything does, except for fleas, you know? fleas do nothing at all beneficial. i always thought at times like this when we can't figure it out for ourselves, wouldn't it be great if we could just pick up the phone and call up god and ask him these things? just pick up the phone and call up god, "yea, hi god, this is ellen. ellen. degeneres. degeneres. what, what's so funny? no, i never thought of that, it does sound like that doesn't it. i get it. listen if you weren't too busy, sure i'll hold on." somebody's at the gate. ♪ onward christian soldiers. "yea, i was just singing along to your tape.
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it's, it's not a tape, they're good! they're great, yea. listen, there's certain things on this earth i just don't understand why they're here. no not charro. no. but there are certain things, like um, insects. no bees are great, the honey. that was clever. i was thinking more about fleas, they seem to have no benefit. no i didn't realize how many people were employed by the flea collar industry. not, not to mention spray as well. yea i guess you're right. of course you are! of course you are. being who you are. yea, oh, got a little cold, god bless you. or bless yourself! bless yourself. uh huh, still doing that comedy.
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you got a joke for me. well i'd love to hear it, uh-huh. no i got time, of course you would know that more than me, huh? that was a joke. go ahead. who's there? god who? godzilla. wow, incredibly funny. yea, yea and another one? sure. who's there? god who? godda dime? oh! no i don't have time for another one. no, uh, yea i just remembered an appointment i have to get to so i godda go. how 'bout that? god who? godda go. cute? stupid, alrighty. it was good talking to you too and i'll see, i'll talk to you later. alright, bye-bye. thank you very much. [audience applause]. announcer: ladies and gentleman, emmy award winning star of "glee", jane lynch!
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♪ ♪ jane lynch: ok. you know when i wrote, um, my book "happy accidents," i shared how big a role serendipity played in my career. and one of the happiest accidents that i ever had was when i first saw ellen degeneres' standup in 1987. and i knew that i wanted to be a strong, female comedian, just like her. and then ellen i saw you in the movie "mr. wrong" and i had my doubts. but we all have those professional road bumps, those hiccups; at least that's what i'm told. years later, ellen and i would meet and
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it turns out we have a lot in common. we're both the same age, we both specialize in comedy and both of us are, well you know, we're blonde. and we're so alike that people often mistake us for each other. we even had fun with that when i was on her show, i was a guest and i posed for ellen's wax figure for madam tussauds' museum. now that was really fun and it wasn't the first time i had hot wax poured on me. now what hasn't been fun frankly, are the hundreds of times people have told me how much they like my talk show and when i do my little audience dance. so, uh, tonight i have a confession to make. i may have taken advantage of being ellen a few times. for example, just last week someone stopped me as i was crossing wilshire boulevard and asked if i was ellen degeneres and i was so exasperated, i finally said, "yes, yes, fine! i'm ellen degeneres!" and you should have seen the look of joy on ellen's mother's face.
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ellen, you gotta call her more! oh and also ellen, you might be getting a $40,000 bill from the beverly hills laser lipo clinic. ellen, i'm pretty darn sure i could not have the career that i have today or live as openly as i do, without you. you really took one for the team back then in the 1990s on that show that i really didn't have time to watch with all those people that none of us remember. and ellen, i not only consider you a role model and a groundbreaker for funny women everywhere, but also you are a sterling example of how to be a force for compassion, good and understanding in the world and you are my idol. uh, finally, bullhorn please. thank you sir. ellen you're the best and i love you.
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now for those of you who are wondering, when the hell is someone going to show ellen's commencement speech to the 2009 graduating class at tulane university, the class that began college when katrina hit. back off! relax! i am not your monkey! and watch this. ellen degeneres: thank you president cowan, mrs. president cowan; distinguished guests, undistinguished guests, you know who you are. honored faculty and creepy spanish teacher. so, and thank you to all the graduating class of 2009, i realize most of you are hungover and have splitting headaches and haven't slept since fat tuesday, but you can't graduate 'til i finish up, so listen up. i thought that you had to be a famous alumnus, alumini, aluminum, alumis; you had to graduate from this school. and i didn't go to college, uh, here. and i don't know if president cowan knows, i didn't go to college at all. any college.
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and i'm not saying you wasted your time or money but look at me, i'm a huge celebrity. [audience applause and laughter]. ellen degeneres: i'm here because of you. because i can't think of a more tenacious, more courageous graduating class. i mean, look at you all, wearing your robes. usually when you're wearing a robe at 10 in the morning, it means you've given up. i'm here because i love new orleans. i was born and raised here, i spent my formative years here and like you, while i was living here i only did laundry six times. when i finished school, i was completely lost. and by school, i mean middle school, but i went ahead and finished high school anyway. and i, i really, i had no ambition; i didn't know what i wanted to do. i did everything from, i shucked oysters,
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i was a hostess, i was a bartender, i was a waitress, i painted houses, i sold vacuum cleaners, i had no idea. but my idea of success is different today. and as you grow you'll realize the definition of success changes, for many of you today success is being able to hold down 20 shots of tequila. for me the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity and not to give into peer-pressure, to try to be something that you're not. to live your life as an honest and compassionate person, to contribute in some way. so to conclude my conclusion, follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else's path, unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path, then by all means you should follow that. don't give advice, it will come back to bite you in the (bleep). don't take anyone's advice. so my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine and i know that a lot of
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you are concerned about your future but there's no need to worry, the economy is booming, the job market is wide open, the planet is just fine. it's going to be great. you've already survived a hurricane, what else can happen to you? and as i mentioned before some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most and now you know the right, the right questions to ask for your first job interview, like, is it above sea level? so to conclude my conclusion that i previously concluded in a common cement speech, i guess what i'm trying to say is life is like one big mardi gras, but instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain and if they like they see you'll have more beads then you know what to do with. and you'll be drunk most of the time. so the katrina class of 2009 i say congratulations and if you don't remember a thing i said today, remember this, you're going to be ok, dum-di-doom-doom-doom, just dance. announcer: he's the star of the "steve harvey show," steve harvey!
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♪ steve harvey: wow. just like "showtime at the apollo," harlem, new york. god i feel warm right now. couldn't have gave out no free tickets no where? nothing? nobody? this is cool, ellen i love you. i really, really do. i do. i know a lot of people are coming out here making a lot of pro-gay statements and everything. i ain't got none for you. i'm black, i've got my own issues i'm working through. ain't got no time for all of that. the booth, you like sitting up there in the booth? it's pretty cool, huh? you know that's the same type of booth abe lincoln
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was sittin' in when they shot him. so, i really love ellen. i've done ellen's show more times than any other show out there. i've made more appearances on her show. she's done some tremendous favors for me. my book came out, she put me on first, every project, clothing, whatever it is she puts me on and she's, she's just a sweetheart of a person, i really, really mean that. she has something that she says at the end of her show every day. two words that resonates with me, she says, "be kind." she says that every day, "be kind." yea. [audience applause]. steve harvey: and then she brings you out as a guest on her show and does a prank to scare the living (bleep) out of you. and um, i just need one favor from you ellen
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because i've just entered daytime tv for the first time, i don't know how long i'm going to be there, i've been working nights all my career, so i'm really trying to make the adjustment of going into daytime and so, ellen, i'm her lead-in, you did a tremendous favor for me this summer, you did these promos for nbc, to advertised our show coming on back to back. she really didn't have to do that. she's been on tv ten years, this is my first year, so i'm going to ask one favor of you, i need just one thing from you, something that you have plenty of, ellen, i need more white women. you can do it! you're their leader! well folks before ellen appeared on "the tonight show," her first national tv exposure was on a late night show called "the comedy break."
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now if you google "ellen degeneres quotations" many of the things she said that night live on to this day. ellen degeneres: thank you very much. sit this over here, right here. how are ya? you're in a good, alright settle down; i'm in a great mood too. i'm a, california is just wonderful. i'm living here now and i took a hike out in hollywood hills today, beautiful, beautiful place. i'm walking around; i look about 10 feet away from where i'm standing, little family of deer. the mother, father, little baby deer and i thought i wish i had a gun 'cause. they were so close i could have gotten all of them. and. who are these people who actually shoot deer and then put their heads on their walls of their living rooms? this is a poor innocent animal standing around thinking deer thoughts, has no idea what's about to happen to it, so its last expression before being killed is on your wall.
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he's proud of this. i shot it. i killed it. i could see if it was something that you hated, yea something you're proud you killed like a, like a burglar. this guys going to break into your home, steal your stereo, all your canned goods, have his last expression before you shot him. yea i shot him. i killed him. people say the reason that they have the deer heads on the wall is because it's such a beautiful animal. i think my mother's attractive but i have photographs of her. wasn't mom pretty? she had great legs too; they're in the next room. have you seen the deer heads on the walls? they're usually on the walls of bars or restaurants, they have the silly party hats on them, silly sunglasses, streamers around their necks. now these are the ones i really feel sorry for because obviously they were at a party, having a good time.
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shooting animals, i can't understand, i love animals, i could never do this. one animal i don't understand is the dog. dogs are good, they're fine. i don't think they deserve their own tv show. i think that's pushing it a little. lassie was a good dog, but it was the people who were on there, they were the geniuses. come on, lassie spots a man down in a canyon, trapped under a log, runs back to warn someone. [barks]. what is it girl? somebody in trouble? who is it? [barks]. bill? [barks]. bob? [barks]. barry? [barks]. barry. um, barry johnson? [barks]. um, barry white? [barks]. that's right; i don't know a barry white. um, barry the forest ranger? [barks]. barry the forest ranger, he and his wife are fighting again? [barks]. he's trapped under a log? [barks]. with diane cannon? [barks]. no diane in a canyon. alrighty, ok, um, i'll get a ladder. [barks]. alright, an aluminum ladder and um, i'll get a rope too, a rope would be good, huh? [barks].
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alright, a 3/4 inch nylon rope. alright, well come on girl, you run ahead i'll follow in the jeep. [whimpers]. alright you can drive, but come on! [audience applause]. steve harvey: ellen, the best. keep it pimpin'. ok that was ellen degeneres way back when. now this next piece uh, that deals with women's issues was on her show just a few weeks ago. take a look. ellen degeneres: so uh, you know on my show what i like to do is, i like to promote kindness and equal rights and i don't like labels and i don't see color, i'm like a cocker spaniel in that way. and i don't like pointing out differences between people, especially men and women and i thought that women, we've made a lot of progress toward equality and we're allowed to vote and i think since 1982 now
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and we can wear pants, we can drive at night, all of those things have happened. and then i saw something that makes me think we still have a little bit a ways to go, it's a new product from bic, the pen company and they have a new line of pens called "bic for her." and this is totally real. they're pens just for ladies. i know what you're thinking, "it's about damn time!" "where have our pens been?" can you believe this? we've been using man pens all these years. blech! and they come in both lady colors, pink and purple. and they're just like regular pens except they're pink so they cost twice as much. that is absolutely true as well. the worst part is they don't come with any instructions. so, like how do they expect us to learn how to write with them you know? i was reading the back of the pack, well, i had a man read the back of the package to me and
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it said it's designed to fit a women's hand. this is all true; i'm not making any of this up. designed to fit a woman's hand. what does that mean? like, so when we're taking down dictation from our bosses we'll feel comfortable and we'll forget we're not getting paid as much? i don't know. i mean just think over the last 20 years companies have spent millions of dollars making pills that grow men's hair and fix men's sex lives and now ladies have a pen. wow. we have come a long way baby. it's so ridiculous. and they called to ask me to be their spokesperson and i was outraged, i said, "i will never do a commercial for you." and then they said how much they'd pay me, i was like, "ok." and, so here's the commercial we shot. oh! what's wrong sweetie?
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daughter: i don't know. sometimes i just feel different. ellen degeneres: that's because you're growing up. i think it's time we have that talk. the pen talk. daughter: but i can't handle those man pens. ellen degeneres: that's why you need the new "bic for her" pen. daughter: there's a pen for women? ellen degeneres: there is now. they're built strong enough for a man but simple enough that even a women can understand how to use them. here's how it works. when you have an opinion, you right it down on a piece of paper and then crumble it up and throw it away because no one wants to know our opinion sweetheart. daughter: wow, what else can i do with a "bic for her" pen? ellen degeneres: well you could use it to write down a grocery list or even recipes for when you need to feed your man. and it is indestructible, so it will stand up to all your wild mood swings. daughter: it's so pretty. ellen degeneres: it's the only pen for ladies you'll ever need. daughter: i can use it when i become president. ellen degeneres: oh right. [both laugh]
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you're silly. we should get back now. daughter: ok. announcer: ladies and gentleman, please welcome actor and director, john krasinski. ♪ ♪ ♪ [audience applause]. john krasinski: thank you. that's ridiculous. that's ridiculous, don't clap. what was that? this is very intimidating and that was extremely mortifying. oh, but if you're watching tv and you see some celebrity awkwardly dancing and making a complete jackass out of themselves, you're watching the "ellen degeneres show."
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pretty good right? it's a good show. yea, maybe the best. maybe the best. her u-haul truck of emmys says that it is. so i bet when you're watching from home, you're thinking, "oh man, i wish i could be on the "ellen degeneres show." it looks like so much fun. well i am here to tell you that it is not. ha,ha,ha. it's the most terrifying experience any human being can have. the moment i walk in the studio, i immediately run to the bathroom to see if ellen might be hiding in there to scare the bejesus out of me. and then i check the plants and the walls for hidden cameras to make sure ellen isn't doing a "even stars pick their wedgies" segment. they're just like us! the dancing? let's be honest, i mean maybe other than justin timberlake no other guest on her show should be dancing. nobody.
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but we all do it. why? for her. she makes us. ha,ha,ha,ha again! she makes us do everything. she made david beckham basically fake an orgasm while getting a massage from a poor girl. how she'll ever feel good about herself after that, i'd have no idea. she drowned minnie driver in a dunk tank. who does that? and when she scarred katie holmes in her dressing room, if you pause it at just the right moment, you can see katie's soul come out of her mouth. just a little bit. oh, i know what you're all thinking, "what did she do to you john?" i'll tell you. the last time i was on her show, she made me shoot basketballs. while she smashed glass bottles over my head. the time before that? she made me get a tattoo of her face on my arm.
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now she's always watching me. oh, you're welcome america. ah! oh my god! no! noooo. great, now you made me kill jimmy kimmel. why don't you all watch this clip of ellen interviewing dennis quaid and be ashamed of yourselves. we had sent dennis quaid over to starbucks ah, here on the warner brothers lot i put an ifb in his ear which did not hurt and uh, we have a hidden camera and he has to say whatever i tell him to say and no one there at starbucks knows that this is happening. he just wandered in, there's a hidden camera and something in his ear and uh, let's see if this works. we didn't rehearse it; we've never done this before. hey dennis? dennis quaid: yes. ellen degeneres: you can hear me then i guess? dennis quaid: yes i can hear you, is my hidden camera working i wonder? ellen degeneres: well, that's not the hidden one.
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dennis quaid: oh! ellen degeneres: alright. dennis quaid: oh that's right, i can see him too. ellen degeneres: yea. alright, the hidden camera is in your bag, so if it's, if it's not aiming in their direction, i'm going to have to tell you to move it around or. ok? dennis quaid: ok. ellen degeneres: alright, uh, head on in starbucks. let's see if, hopefully people are in there. dennis quaid: here we go. ellen degeneres: ok. don't talk to me like you're talking to me, you're just. dennis quaid: alright. ellen degeneres: you're by yourself. dennis quaid: alright, alright it's not very crowded. len degeneres: dennis quaid is here! say it, loud. dennis quaid: dennis quaid is here! [audience applause]. ellen degeneres: you know who i am? i was nominated for a golden globe. dennis quaid: i was nominated for a golden globe. ellen degeneres: dennis quaid wants a coffee. dennis quaid: dennis quaid wants a coffee. i'd like to have, what kind of coffee do i want? ellen degeneres: i want a spiced latte, decaf. dennis quaid: i want a spiced latte decafed. ellen degeneres: 140 degrees. dennis quaid: 140 degrees.
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ellen degeneres: tall cup. dennis quaid: what? ellen degeneres: tall cup. dennis quaid: what? i can't hear myself think, what? barista: pumpkin spice? dennis quaid: pumpkin spice it is, yes. ellen degeneres: now, repeat this back to me. day-o. dennis quaid: day-o. ellen degeneres: no, you're supposed to tell him that. dennis quaid: oh. ellen degeneres: tell him. dennis quaid: oh, repeat this back to me. day-o. ellen degeneres: day-ay-ay-o. barista: you want that decaf pumpkin spice latte sir? dennis quaid: work with me, work with me, will ya? day-o. barista: day-o. dennis quaid: day-ay-ay-ay-o. barista: day-ay-ay-ay-o. dennis quaid: latte come and me want to come and me want it from starbucks. barista: latte come and. dennis quaid: i need to change my order though. ellen degeneres: yea, gargle that.
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john krasinski: ok fine, the key to ellen's brilliance is more than just torturing celebrities. it's that she feels like a friend. no matter where you are or where you're calling from, this next clip cracks me up every time. here's a phone call between a woman named gladys and my dear friend ellen. ellen degeneres: so we got a great message yesterday from a woman named gladys in austin, texas and uh, she had some good ideas, i'm going to call her right now see if she has anymore. [phone rings] gladys: hello this is gladys and if you're selling something i ain't interested. ellen degeneres: hey gladys? gladys: hello? ellen degeneres: gladys it's ellen degeneres, i'm not selling anything. gladys: honey! ellen degeneres: hey! gladys: i love it. thank you for calling me. ellen degeneres: well you're welcome. um, did you see the show by any chance where i moved the plant for you? gladys: oh, honey let me tell you, we got austin, texas had a little bit of ice and
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two flakes of snow. ellen degeneres: oh no. gladys: and they shut the whole city down. ellen degeneres: no-no! oh! gladys: and they didn't even, i'm telling you, the local news, they showed an icicle hanging off a fellows roof to his house. and that was the big news here in austin, texas. ellen degeneres: oh, oh that's horrible. is this the first time you've been on tv before? gladys: no honey, i've been on tv before. i was on the, listen; i'll be honest with you. ellen degeneres: yea. gladys: i love jesus, but i drink a little. [ellen degeneres and audience laughing]. gladys: lord have mercy, they're on fire today! ellen degeneres: oh my god, that's the funniest thing i've ever heard in my life.
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this is my favorite moment of the show so far. ok, so go on. gladys: what i did, what i did was and i don't drink a lot, just a little to thin the blood. and i was looking on qvc they had ladybug broach. ellen degeneres: you were looking at a ladybug broach? gladys: i love the ladybugs. ellen degeneres: uh-huh, on qvc you said? gladys: i called the qvc and they put me on the air. ellen degeneres: uh-huh. gladys: and i was talking to people and i just had a good ole' time so this is probably my second time on the television. ellen degeneres: oh! wow, well you know you should be on television more often, you're very entertaining. gladys: well you call me anytime dear. you have my number? ellen degeneres: uh, uh, i just called ya. yea. gladys: i'm sorry honey, i'm excited, this is a very, very wonderful day. ellen degeneres: i'm excited; it is a wonderful day for me too. i love talking to you. now um, do you, do you travel? would you come here if we could get you here? gladys: well i like to stay local. ellen degeneres: oh ok, well i don't blame you, i do too.
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i have a five mile radius myself. gladys: if i have to get out i will. i go to the mall; i'm a mall-walker. ellen degeneres: oh! that's good. gladys: and i stay in shape, but i don't like to travel anymore because these people will stop you just for having a little bit of listerine. ellen degeneres: yes. announcer: ladies and gentleman please welcome emmy award winner and broadway star john leguizamo. ♪ ♪ john leguizamo: thank you. what's up everybody, how're you doing? uh. [audience applause]. i prepared a very moving tribute to my homegirl ellen d. what's up girl?
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and uh, most people don't know this but uh, she and i, we studied together at the royal shakespeare academy of jackson heights, queens. let me give you a little taste. [beat boxing]. john leguizamo: alas, alack my hair style needs some fixin'. i gots to get my gel and put it 'cause the girls they be mixin'. i gots to get some scrumpets. [trumpet playing]. john leguizamo: i said, "scrumpets." i didn't say "trumpets." but wow, here we are. how 'bout that people? a gay woman on pbs with public money and the kennedy's! huh? it's like the tea party's worst nightmare, being chased by a binder full of smart women into an event like this, with a guy like me on stage who looks illegal!
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now ellen is a true humorist. now there's a job you don't hear about too much these days. humorist, right? they're going out of style like blockbusters, book stores, mailboxes. you know, part of ellen's real magic though is her genuine goodness, her kindness. it's so special. 'cause comedians are usually really dark, angry people like me, trust me i got issues for days. but ellen's proved that comedy doesn't have to be mean just to be funny. she doesn't do the "yo mama jokes." na-uh. she doesn't do that. but if she did, they'd probably be like, "damn, yo mama's cookin' is so good everybody comes to her house for thanksgiving." or, or "yo, you're mama's so fat, ah, you really should lose some weight,
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tell her please, because i'm concerned about her." now, i don't know if you know but hayley's comet was visible in the sky the night that mark twain was born. and he predicted that he would die when it came back 75 years later. and clemens passed the day after the comet came closest to earth. and ellen, you're a comet and you burn bright in this world and i'm so glad i got to see your orbit in my lifetime. thank you. [audience applause]. and in closing, mark twain once said, "against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand." so i'm going to sit my (bleep) down. thank you very much. thank you. walter cronkite: television, the great common denominator, has lifted our common vision as never before and television also reminds us that entertainment can
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help us heal. ladies and gentleman, the host of tonight's emmy telecast, please welcome, ellen degeneres. ♪ ♪ ♪ ellen degeneres: good evening seat fillers, security guards, secret service personnel and all the wonderful tv stars we love so much who are watching from home. [audience laughing]. so, we're here to celebrate television and i love television, i do. it's uh, influenced me and inspired me, i grew up watching these shows that helped shape who i am today, "i love lucy," "mary tyler moore," "maddox."
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it's where i got my love of the sports jacket. [audience laughing]. you know, you know what i want to say and i really do mean this, i, i think it's important for us to be here because they can't take away our creativity, our striving for excellence, our joy, only network executives can do that. [audience laughing]. on a personal level i felt that it was important for me to be here tonight because number one our leaders have asked us to get back to our jobs. number two, there is no number two but things are funnier in threes. and number three, i mean i feel like i'm in a unique position as host because think about it, what would bug the taliban more than seeing a gay woman in a suit surrounded by jews?
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announcer: please welcome, critically acclaimed actor, sean hayes! ♪ ♪ sean hayes: wow, so many amazing people here tonight. thank you for having me ellen, thank you for you having me, but you didn't have a choice. lily tomlin, i'm such a big fan of lily tomlin, what an honor to share a stage with such an icon. just when you thought we ran out of groundbreaking gay women tonight, poof, here i am. i uh, i'm absolutely thrilled to be here for what promises to be an exciting evening filled with celebration, reflection, admiration,
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judgment, flirting, arguments, breakups and finally reconciliation. and that's just me standing at the men's room next to jimmy kimmel. i'm here tonight as a friend of ellen and as a fellow member of the "jeopardy" category, "gay sitcom stars." when they, when they asked me to be a part of honoring ellen this evening, i was thrilled to learn she was still alive and present to receive the mark twain prize. i'm sure one day very soon, genetic technology and computer modeling will be able to tell us exactly who mark twain would want to win his prize. until then, we just have to guess. the winner of the mark twain prize gets to whitewash a fence, sure.
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but it's so much more. by the way, i, i've only been to dc one other time and it's very exciting for me, what an amazing time to be in our nation's capital, the place where some very tough economic decisions will be made. to think, in just a few days every american will exercise their right of choice in a hallowed tradition, the fall clearance sale at jc penney. and thank you ellen for reminding us that jc penney is still open. that's where i got this. thank you. ellen, seriously did any, we all kind of forgot right? um, but we love jc penney. ellen, you and i have a lot in common, you're in comedy, i'm in comedy. you dance on television, i danced on broadway.
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we were both guests on each other's shows. but the most common thread, the one that binds us inextricably together is this: you and i, two publicly out performers, simply want what all americans want, high quality sofas at low discount prices. i can't find them anywhere. kidding aside, kidding aside, i'm so happy to be able to honor one of my dearest and warmest friends. and i thank you for always making me feel so welcome. ellen, as you well know, i absolutely love you and portia. you are a hero to me and to countless others. you have changed america. you have changed the world. we didn't have a voice 'til there was you. we didn't have visibility 'til there was you. and quite simply, we didn't have the level of hope that we have now 'til there was you. so with that, i've chosed what i think is the perfect song to sing in your honor. meredith wilson's timeless classic, "'til there was you." ♪
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♪ sean hayes: there were bells. ♪ ♪ on the hill. ♪ but i never heard them ringing. ♪ ♪ no i never ra, ta, ta, ta. ♪ ♪ 'til there was you. ♪ there were birds. ♪ in the sky. ♪ but i never saw them winging. ♪ ♪ no i never ra, ta, ta, ta. ♪ ♪ 'til there was you. ♪ and there was music. ♪
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♪ and there were ra, ta, ta roses. ♪ ♪ they tell. [snoring]. ♪ me. ♪ in the sweet fragrant meadows ♪ ♪ of dawn and dew. ♪ there was love all around. ♪ ♪ but i never heard it singing. ♪ ♪ no i never ra, ta, ta, ta. ♪ ♪ 'til there was.
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♪ you. ellen degeneres: you know what might be funny? if uh, if you ask me if my character's gay. larry sanders: yea. ellen degeneres: and i, uh, i, i take a moment and then i, i become ellen morgan and then i kiss you. and then you can decide. larry sanders: oh that could be funny. ellen degeneres: yea, yea. like um, like this. larry sanders: ha,ha,ha,ha. that should, i think audiences, i'll tell you what, what's funnier, what would be a funnier way to go if i may. ellen degeneres: yea. larry sanders: is i think you go even a little further, so you do the same thing you ask if your character's gay and i go test you and uh. see, then it looks like.
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ellen degeneres: that's funny. larry sanders: it looks like uh. ellen degeneres: 'cause it looks like you're really. larry sanders: getting into it. ellen degeneres: getting into it. larry sanders: yea. ellen degeneres: yea, that would be, that would fool them. u know what might uh, hilarious, if we want to really go for hilarious, which i know we both do. larry sanders: yea. ellen degeneres: if um, if we uh, you do the question and then i, and then i kiss you. but when i kiss you instead it's more like. larry sanders: oh god, what a surprise. ellen degeneres: yea. larry sanders: goodness sakes, where did you learn all that? ellen degeneres: camp. larry sanders: well, good job. ellen degeneres: yea, thanks. i um, i have to get to work. larry sanders: oh. ellen degeneres: um, what time do i get to the show? larry sanders: please welcome ellen degeneres, ellen! [audience applause].
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larry sanders: so let's talk about this series, what the plan for this series "ellen?" it's been in the news as you well know. ellen degeneres: you know i don't know what you're talking about. i, i keep hearing little flutters of things, i don't watch tv myself. larry sanders: you don't? ellen degeneres: i don't own a tv, so. larry sanders: is the character going to be dating a lot of guys on the series? ellen degeneres: yea, that's a good thing to watch for, you wanna watch every week to find out, if she will do that or not, that would be great. larry sanders: well is she, is there any, there's act, as a character, there's a rumor going around that she could be, you know, the character this season may actually um, well let me ask you this, would your character. ellen degeneres: i'm trying to scramble some of these words around to form a sentence. larry sanders: well let me ask you this, would the, would the. [audience applause]. would the character of ellen ever sleep with a man?
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ellen degeneres: well sure if he were feminine enough. it's time to be honest. i think that. um, i've always, uh, i've always felt that it, that, that my private life is my private life, but for some reason people want my private life to be part of my public life, so. larry sanders: well you know, as a celebrity i know. ellen degeneres: yea, i think, i definitely do owe that to the public so i guess i should say that i last night slept with larry sanders. audience: larry, larry! larry, larry! larry, larry! larry, larry! ellen degeneres: there was one time and i, i really, first of all you, you are very attentive to. he must have, he must have asked me three times how i'm doing and so uh, that was uh, that was sweet of you.
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there was one time, i, i woke up this morning thinking there was something very amazing, things that i'd never felt before and i realized i was laying on your hairbrush at one point. announcer: please welcome the winner of the 2003 mark twain prize lily tomlin. ♪ ♪ ♪ lily tomlin: oh yea, congratulations ellen. this is great! my gosh, you know i tell you, ah, the mark twain prize has changed so much since i was honored in 2003 and i say that with humility, but i tell you the goodie bag when i was honored was, well i mean, i think there was like an apple and a bag of nuts and uh, there was a cd and uh a
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reversible rain hat, but this year, not that i haven't gotten a lot of use out of the rain hat since then, but this year you are getting an ipad, a case of cristal and a human organ of your choice. uh, kind of astounding, isn't it? listen ellen, it's not about the perks though. take it from me that the glow that comes from the mark twain prize is an accolade that does not fade, as you probably can observe. and um, i want you to savor every second of this evening because um, the mark twain prize is to people with humor what the noble prize is, well to people who have no sense of humor. that's true.
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and it's an honor to be here tonight to celebrate ellen degeneres. [audience applause]. wait a minute. one of the most gifted comic talents of this generation or any other. it's uh. [audience applause]. and um, ernest hemmingway, i think it was ernestine hemmingway, no, no. it was ernest hemmingway who said, "all american literature begins with one book, mark twain's 'huckleberry finn.'" and um, ellen this honor so befits you, so becomes you, um, like huck, you are a folk hero too. and um, like huck who had the courage to confront
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the code of convention, rather than betray a friend, you ellen had the same courage to confront convention and not betray yourself or your sense of destiny and um, the world would never be the same. let me tell you that my partner jane wagner and i love you, admire you, you are our huckleberry friend and that's all you can say about it. we are grateful for your courage. [audience applause]. ellen degeneres: did you ever go out with him or? laura dern: no, ellen. ellen degeneres: yeah, office romance. yeah, that's a bad idea i guess. laura dern: i don't date men. ellen degeneres: oh. why?
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laura dern: i'm gay. ellen degeneres: you're gay? laura dern: yeah. ellen degeneres: oh, how 'bout that? gay, good, good, gay. i didn't, i didn't, i, good for you. of course, why wouldn't you be gay? laura dern: wow, i thought you knew. ellen degeneres: nope, didn't know. laura dern: in fact, i thought you were gay too. ellen degeneres: you thought i was gay? laura dern: yeah. ellen degeneres: why would you, why, why, why would you think i was gay? laura dern: oh, wow, i'm sorry. i, i just kinda got that vibe. ellen degeneres: vibe? like a gay vibe? like i'm giving off some kind of gay vibration, you know? gaaay! yeah, that's funny, yea. no, i think, i think what you're sensing is a very, very strong, "i like men" vibe and it's throwing you a little bit. so, you know you're confused about that.
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laura dern: um, ellen. ice. ellen degeneres: ice, yes, i like ice; heterosexuals like ice. laura dern: wow, i'm really sorry. ellen degeneres: well, you know, it's funny because um. i think i know what's going on is uh, you uh, you know it's not enough for you to be gay; you know, you've got to recruit others, you know. laura dern: i'll have to call national headquarters and tell them i lost you. damn, just one more and i would've gotten that toaster oven. ellen degeneres: what, what is that gay humor? cause i don't get it. that's how un-gay i am. susan, hi, can i talk to you just quickly before you leave?
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please, please, please just let me talk just, just. laura dern: ok. ellen degeneres: um, you know how uh, you said, in the room, you know that you thought maybe i was, you know and i said, "no, no, no, no, no." well, um, i, i, i was thinking about it, you know and i think that maybe i'm um, i am uh. i guess what i'm trying to say is, i did get the joke about the toaster oven. laura dern: so are you saying what i think you're trying to say? ellen degeneres: what do you think i'm trying to say? laura dern: oh, i'm not gonna say it again and be wrong. ellen degeneres: no, you're not wrong, you're right. um, this is uh, this is, this is so hard but i, i, i, i think i've realized that i am; i can't even say the word. why can't i say the word? i mean, why can't i just say?
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i mean what is wrong? why, why do i have to be so ashamed, i mean, why can't i just say the truth? i mean, be who i am. i'm 35 years old, i'm so afraid to tell people. i mean, i just. susan. [leans into airport microphone]. i'm gay. [audience applause]. announcer: ladies and gentlemen, please welcome emmy and tony award winner kristen chenoweth. ♪ ♪ ♪ kristen chenoweth: it is so great to be here tonight and also great to see sean hayes on the program.
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you know, we appeared together in "promises, promises" and as you heard, thank you, thank you the five of you that came, thank you. as you heard, sean a, a amazingly high voice. but to really own a song, you must master the art of breathing and i think that he breathes mainly from up here and as ellen knows i taught her to sing from this area. ♪ there were bells on the hill ♪ ♪ but i never heard them ringing. ♪ ♪ no i never heard them at all ♪ ♪ till there was you. ♪ [audience applause]. thank you.
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i have a confession to make; i'm just a teency bit jealous of ellen degeneres. alright, alright i'd be lying if i didn't confess that and just wouldn't feel right lying here in washington, d.c. nobody lies here. and nobody deserves this honor more than me. did i say me? whoops. i meant ellen, ellen degeneres. the woman has certainly paid her dues and taken risks and now ellen has conquered the art of the talk show working 1 whole hour a day. while i, i on the other hand, have to appear in eight broadway shows a week singing my heart out, dancing till my feet bleed and for what; the undying adoration of people who paid $150 a ticket? where's the satisfaction in that i ask you? people also get in free at the "ellen" show.
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all she has to do is put on her cute sneakers, sit in a chair and bribe the audience with gifts. now sure, ellen has to interview people but how tough is that to talk to one mindless celebrity after another? i should know, i've been on the show several, several times. like i said, i have to admit a certain jealousy when it comes to my dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, dearest friend ellen. i can make up to 18 separate costume changes during just one act of a musical comedy, while ellen only has to do some white woman's dancing and be very sincere; which i'm being right now. why don't they just skip the twain entirely and just give her the friggin nobel prize already? yes, yes this is a truly exciting night.
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arm fat. now, do ya'll know that ellen practically has a billion facebook friends, a billion! in the last month i got 6 messages on my twitter feed and 4 of them were for coupons for cialis. i think my dad might need that. anyways. now for real, ellen degeneres happens to be one of the most genuine, brilliant and kindest people i know. and what's even nicer, you've all gotten to know her too. for anyone who's tried to tweet, text, watch tv and answer email at the same time; ellen seemed like she could see into our multi-tasking future in this monologue from 2003. ellen degeneres: i believe that someday sit-com's will be 30 seconds long. cause that's all we'll need and that's all our attention span can take. cause our attention span is shot, we've all got attention deficit disorder, add or ocd or one of the disorders with three
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letters cause we don't have the time and patience to pronounce the entire disorder. that should be a disorder right there, "tbd, too busy disorder." what's with this sudden choice of disorders that we've got now? you know, when i was a kid we just had crazy people, that's all, just crazy people. all the commercials on television now are for anti-depressants; prozac, paxil and they get you right away. "are you sad?" "do you get stressed, do you have anxiety?" yes, yes i have all those things, i'm alive. i don't wanna take a pill. go to africa, go follow some bush man around. he's getting chased by a lion, that's stress. you're not going to find a pygmy on paxil i'll tell you that right now.

FOX 45 News at 10
FOX August 23, 2013 10:00pm-11:00pm EDT

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TOPIC FREQUENCY Ellen Degeneres 101, Ellen 58, Dennis Quaid 29, Larry Sanders 20, Laura Dern 14, Mark Twain 11, Larry 8, Gladys 7, Starbucks 4, Sean Hayes 4, Steve Harvey 4, John Leguizamo 4, Barry 4, Qvc 3, Austin 3, Texas 3, Jc Penney 3, Lily Tomlin 3, John Krasinski 3, Paxil 2
Network FOX
Duration 01:00:00
Scanned in Annapolis, MD, USA
Source Comast Cable
Tuner Channel 78 (549 MHz)
Video Codec mpeg2video
Audio Cocec ac3
Pixel width 704
Pixel height 480
Sponsor Internet Archive
Audio/Visual sound, color

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on 8/24/2013